Life Is Giving Me The Finger

Prepare for a pity party.

This is so one of those days. What the fuck is going on?

I’m exhausted, moody and fat. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was knocked up (not even remotely possible folks – did you catch the beginning of this paragraph? Who wants that?). My scalp hurts for some unexplainable reason, like the roots of my hair are being constantly pulled. And no, I’m not pulling them.

I feel like I can’t accomplish the smallest of tasks. I can’t keep a friggin’ room clean, let alone an entire house, which is disconcerting considering clutter makes me crazy – the white coats should appear any moment. I just feel like I’m making some good headway and continue to the next task only to find what I just finished to be undone. What the hell is the point of cleaning the kitchen when it looks like crap before I go to bed anyway? Fuuuuck. For one small glimmer of a moment I thought I finally had things under control when Jude felt it would be an opportune time to puke on me. The kind of puke which requires the unhindging of a jaw, he heaved like a frat boy.

Gave Jude a bath while Emmy deposited almost an entire tube of chap stick on her face. At least she was having fun.

I thought that by the time Jude was this old that I would have my shit together. I should be able to take the kids out for an afternoon and return to a clean house, and because I can’t – we don’t go out. I can’t really remember the last time I went out with them and had fun. Everything is a fucking stress fest. Hurry, rush and be frantic over every single detail. I don’t think I’m a control freak (maybe I am and people are afraid to tell me?) but something has got to give when you’re stressed from the roots of your hair to your badly pedicured feet.

We have annual passes to various fun places in Calgary. It’s embarrassing to admit how little we’ve used them.

I feel pulled in a thousand directions. Nearly every moment of my waking hours is spent listening, consoling, cooking, cleaning and washing others. I know this is the ballad of every mother – I would seriously be certifiable if I was working – how do you all do it? And although I know I’m not alone, it really does nothing for the fucking golf ball sized knot in my back.

I feel like a failure on most days which is only interrupted by feelings of unattractiveness. I don’t know if I’d say that I’ve let myself go, but good lord in heaven, that’s what it looks like. My Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred DVD arrives on Monday. Am I looking forward to it? Nope. As far as I’m concerned, if I can’t find time bathe on a semi regular basis, how in the fuck will I be able to work out? And, workout = bathing, if I’m all ready not bathing, I am going to smell like the back end of a horse. What can I sacrifice to free up that kind of time? I have no reserves to draw from all ready! My fear is that it will be another failure to add to the pile of the things that all ready make me feel like shit.

Post-partum? I don’t think so. I just feel like a stressed out version of myself.

Oh yeah, and I’m sitting here still wearing the shirt Jude heaved on with absolutely no recollection as to why I didn’t change it while I was giving him a bath.

Here’s to doing it all again tomorrow.

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19 thoughts on “Life Is Giving Me The Finger

  1. that suuuuuucks…I am soooo sorry, and I totally get it. Most days for me just feel like I am a hamster on a wheel, running as fast as I can and getting nowhere. My hubby walks through the door to a house that looks like it has been ransacked, and I just say, “It was clean once today…” And then it starts all over again. No one cares if you’re sick, tired, moody, or just plain fed up, there is no stopping the mama train. Anyway, i’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way! Good luck, hopefully things improve tomorrow, at least without the vomit.

  2. Counting down the days until you live a block away- not that it will make your house any cleaner, or you smell any sweeter, but at least your party will grow from a guest list of one to two 🙂

  3. Ugh, I hear you.

    I have to say, I’ve kind of given up. Until my youngest is at LEAST school age? I don’t expect to have my shit even half together. And it’s only been in the last month that I have FINALLY gotten to the point where if someone drops by, they’re gonna see some degree of mess, and my self-esteem doesn’t get destroyed.

    The more I let go, the more zen I get.

    It’s important for us to talk about how hard this job really is. Good post.

    1. I’m trying to let go. I’m better than I was, but still believe that there’s a place reserved for me in the ninth circle of Hell if my house is messy (thank you Statler).

  4. I am SO glad you wrote this. It’s like you are in my head and wrote out exactly what I have been feeling.
    Benson is not yet 4 weeks old, I’m recovering from a c-section yet feel enormous pressure to be “back to normal”. Luckily I’ve recovered very well but still, I know I should not be doing all that I’ve been doing…every night my stomach muscles are killing me! My head is spinning from not being able to keep up with cleaning, cooking, laundry…and Jaquelyn? WOW, never in my worst nightmares did I think she would start behaving the way she has. Lately I’ve been feeling like the worst mother out there.
    If you ever want to talk/vent/get out to try to get away from it all for a few minutes even, let me know! I’d be all for it!
    Thanks again for writing this…it really does help to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way.

  5. We need to try and remeber that our kids won’t remember the perfectly clean house. What they will remember is their mom smiling, laughing and the fun they have with you. Life is to short and kids grow so fast.

    1. Yes, but remember the time I used to drive you crazy cleaning to the point that you’d have to leave? Come on “L”…I must be better than I was?! :p

  6. Hey just wanted to encourage you and say…I am right there with you! D found me crying on the floor in E’s room yesterday, just b/c I am so tired, can’t keep anything clean and yet…still have to have sex with hubby! I really, really appreciated the laugh through the tears…I know exactly how you are feeling. Plus…I can’t seem to move faster than a snail…baby really grew and I can’t even run after the other two now. Fun times in my household. :):) Talk with you soon.

    1. Oh my gosh, I’m sorry you’re having a bad time too! I think it was something in the moon/water/stars, it seems a lot of people have had a rough week!

      Talk to you soon! Hope the rest of your week got better 🙂

  7. dont’ give us working moms too much credit. we can do it because someone else watches our kids while we do it. its really so much easier! i know… i stayed home for seven months. working is a piece of cake!

    hang in there! i had some really tough times too, so i know how you feel. try going to the park today and just bring a blanket, a magazine, some juice, and some cheerios. you’d be surprised how relaxing that can be. its way easier than going to an amusement park, the kids love being outside (it actually calms them a bit), and you can sit back, relax, and cheer them on while they do their thing.

    1. Thanks Bunny! We did get out for a while & it was good. It’s hard to get out when there’s so much to do, but I guess I have to learn to just get out!

  8. I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but it really does get easier (who wants to hear that when they are venting!?) Last year was brutal, a six month old and a 1 1/2 year old…not fun! But now that the girls are older and can entertain each other more, I have more time to myself (to shower, cook and clean…good times) This time next year will be so much easier…fingers crossed.

    1. Thanks Tanna. I know things are going to get crazier before better as soon as Jude becomes mobile, but I think once he’s Emmy’s age now, we’re in the clear. Unless we have another baby.

      Wait. Sex is required for that.

  9. I think there is something to be said for having work tasks to break up the day. Home life never adheres to a tidy checklist the way that spreadsheets and forms do, and I really, REALLY likes me some checklists. I like stepping back to admire the long list of things I’ve tackled, and it isn’t hard to see how life with kids does not hum along in the same fashion.

    I also find that I can amplify my feeling of satisfaction if I break tasks down into even smaller pieces, thereby making my list of finished items grow and making me look even more super-awesome. I guarantee that there are TONS of things you get done in a given day that never gets a check mark next to it. Don’t let a clean house be the only check mark you get! You’re motherfucking Wonder Woman, complete with golden lasso, sweet outfit and theme music. Yeah, that’s right, go Google that shit. You need that theme music every day. Fo’ reals.

    1. Oh girlfriend, you know I love you. Checklists make me horney. If I go to sleep at night without checks I feel bad. Kudos on breaking down the big tasks, that would TOTALLY make it look like I’ve done more in the day!

      And I’ve commissioned Alec to compose my theme music & bought him a raincoat so he can follow me around with a boom box playing said theme music doing his best John Cusack.

  10. I am so with you here. At what point does having two kids get easier, anyway? It’s always stressful, the house is always a mess, and outings are always a cause for some sort of tantrum. I’m tired.

    1. AMEN Loukia. There should be MANDATORY bi-monthly weekends in Vegas for all mothers. One could go to cut loose and party OR lounge in a hot tub and sleep. Spa visits would be necessary.

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