Screw People of Walmart. They have nothing on the people in West Edmonton Mall. We braved the mall on Saturday with Statler & Waldorf in tow. There aren’t many scenarios in which those two aren’t the odd people out (Waldorf asked our Tony Roma’s waitress if she spelled her name, Melissa, with 2 “s”es & Statler wore green eye shadow). However, West Ed is a place where you can let your freak flag fly.
First off, the parking. Obviously going this close to Christmas, parking is going to be at a premium – which we expected. BUT if you park your piece of shit Saturn in two frigging parking spaces because you’re in too much of a hurry to spend your money that you can’t park like a regular person – you’re a douchebag. Getting 2 kids out of the car, then pulling our vehicle into a spot is super fun. Even better was leaving when 2 cars decided they both wanted our spot. We purposely left in a way to let the person who was there first get our spot. Douchebag number 87 of the day decided that meant he should just lean on his horn for a minute or so. I hope he ended up parking illegally and got a towed.
Secondly. It would be great for those of us who are shopping if you put just a slight amount of effort in to getting ready for your day. Like perhaps running a comb through your hair – I know that may be too much to ask in this Robert Pattison era of bad hair love (while I’m on that subject, my only enjoyment of Robert comes from him being the only person on the planet who is paler than myself), but it should look like if you ran your hand through it you wouldn’t need the jaws of life to have your hand removed. Also, it would be great if you could get dressed. Who came up with this shopping in pajamas bullshit? Seriously? Your life is so busy that you can’t get fucking dressed? C’mon!
The Statler & Waldorf visit in of itself went off strangely well. Not many awkward conversations. The parent/child relationship shift is beginning though. I do find myself wanting to say “you’re going to eat, it’s going to be good and I don’t want to hear about it anymore!”. We had lunch at the aforementioned rib place & for Statler and Waldorf, that was their last meal of the day. It was 1:30 pm. They had a piece of cake in the evening & that was dinner. And we wonder why we suffer from fainting spells. Alec and I felt it was an opportune time to gross them out and have sushi for supper. Yah, that’s the daughter in me. I’m not a huge sushi fan, but if it’s going to gross out Statler & Waldorf, then of course I’m going to eat it. Spite. That’s how I roll.
But, all in all, a successful trip. Statler has taken to calling Jude “Mooshy Mooshy” & “Judy”, which is super because now Emmy calls him Judy & Mooshy Mooshy. Loudly. On Sunday we went to another mall & Dad offered to help the staff at the Wok restaurant in the food court cook the noodles because they were taking too long to make his lunch – I went and waited in line at Arby’s. Just based on their behaviour at restaurants when I’m with them, I’m pretty sure we’ve eaten snot on more than on occasion. On the up side, I found 2 really cute sweaters & joined the Bootlegger club…it might be a cult.
Of course I’ve been agonizing over what to get Statler and Waldorf for Christmas. They each have enough perfume/cologne for a cheap hooker & lounge lizard to live happily ever after, so that’s out. Neither of them read. Or have hobbies. They don’t eat. They don’t like people. I’m taking suggestions.
When I asked if they’d booked their hotel for Christmas & the answer was “no, we’re not coming at Christmas, the hotel is too expensive and we don’t want to drive”, I came up with the brilliant plan of them using some of the bajillion Avion points for their hotel. I am seriously the only daughter on earth who has to invite her parents to join us for Christmas and insist they come! It was like I was convincing them to come to a screening of my last gynecological visit. Visit confirmed this morning – December 25 and 26th thanks to Avion, hotel costs zero bucks. I doubt they’ll fly down, but we’ll see how the roads are that week. So for Christmas, I’m giving my kids the gift of both grandparents. I still have to buy them presents? Crap.
This week is going well, totally packed. Going to be making my Christmas cards tonight.
While the business of planning for Christmas has begun, check out my friend Liza’s new iPhone/iPod app – it will help you keep everything straight, it’s awesome!