I’m Not Dead

Okay. I’ve been MIA for a while. I know it. You know it. It’s time I did something about it.

How can it be 2011? Is it crazy that I bid adieu to 2010 with with my middle finger? Man, that year suuucked my ass. Truly. Sure, there were a few highlights, but as a whole 365 day package – it bit the big one. I’m on to bigger and better. Beginning here. I was finding that a lot of my posts from last year were dripping with negativity and that’s just boring. Although I’m no optimist, it wouldn’t kill me to have a fresher outlook. But just to prove that I won’t turn into Pollyanna, I leave you with my top 5 pieces of advice from 2010.

5. No matter how badly you feel about your life, you can always turn to a celebrity to make you feel better. Charlie Sheen, Lilo, that Snooki chick and the litany of people who are famous for no reason. Speaking of, remember when Charlie Sheen was cute? Now he’s a wrinkly pickle. Sad really.

4. If you go to Disneyland and decide to buy duty free liquor on the way down, drink it all while you’re in the Magic Kingdom. If you try to save it, it’s inevitable that it will mistakenly end up in your daughter’s carry on and you’ll look like a huge lush when security is confiscating a 1.7L bottle of Disaronno wrapped in a jean jacket out of a Cinderella carry on bag.

3. If you’re traveling in San Francisco (and you should!), be sure to take someone with big enough balls to get you a private tour of the 2nd floor of Alcatraz. The infirmary, operating room, pharmacy and the shoot out from that Nic Cage movie the Rock is all up there. I would love to turn Alcatraz into the most kick ass B&B. I can’t wait to go back in July! And yes, it’s totally haunted and possibly one of my favourite places.

2. I have a fantastic husband who does laundry. He doesn’t do it the way I’d do it, but hey, I don’t have to do it if he does it! I have stopped buying wool sweaters because they come out of the dryer looking like they’d fit the cat but I think it’s a fair trade. So one day when Alec was putting away the tea towels I realized a pair of my granny panties was folded in with them. Horrifying. That lead to my one and only resolution – to stop buying my underwear where I also buy my dish soap. The giant panties aren’t doing anyone any favours.

1. If you host a sex toy party (and you should!), you might want to reconsider blowing your hostess rewards on a Fishnet Body Stocking. It’s surprisingly flattering – I was convinced that fat would be oozing out of every fishy hole, but it actually looked okay. Upon arrival to the bedroom your husband may ask you if you’re a mime followed by the sentence “it feels like I’m going to screw a tennis racket”. Save that $20 and put it towards the bondage.

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