Abuse From The Balcony

So, my folks will be arriving this Saturday. Dum, da, dum, dum – indeed. You think your parents are bad? Makers of awkward situations? Unaware of their outside voices? Prepare to be dazzled. I win, hands down, in the “Most Eccentric Parent” category – don’t even try to compete. BOTH of mine are currently vying for the top honour.

My parents are Statler & Waldorf.

I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the impending arrival. They live only a short 3 hour drive away. An improvement from when I lived in California, a border between us was necessary for a while, but I did miss them. So when I returned to Canada, I decided that moving back to their city was not a good idea, but 3 hours was a perfectly reasonable distance. Oh yeah, and no guest room equals a hotel stay for S&W, so that gives us breaks during the visit too.

Here’s how our last visit went…

Baby Apostle – 4 days old

Me – still fat

Waldorf (Dad) – wanting to know when I was going to loose the baby weight. “How long do you think it will take you? 4 weeks, 5 weeks or 6 weeks?” Hmmm, awkward much? The Baby Apostle will be 7 weeks old tomorrow & I don’t think I’ve lost an ounce. I intend on discussing his penis size should he bring up the subject this weekend.

It’s like being forced to watch the birth of someone you know via some dude’s Daddy-Cam. Too shocking to speak & too awkward to look away.

Dad also enjoys guessing strangers names based on their ethnicity. Fun times.

Now for Statler (Mom). I clean like a maniac before they arrive, which was easier before the kidlets arrived, but I’ll still do it if it means I only get an hour of sleep the night before. I’d like to think that my home is clean, perhaps untidy at times, but at least clean. I work hard to try to maintain my goal of having a home that is always 15 minutes away from being “company ready”.

That been said, I can be a little Monica Geller about cleaning too. I believe it’s due to the fact that Statler instilled the fear that if I didn’t keep a clean home, body, life, mind and soul that a place would be reserved for me in the Ninth Circle of Hell.

Here’s how our last visit went…

Baby Apostle – 4 days old

Me – Still slightly high off the endorphins of having a wonderful drug free home birth with zero complications.

Statler (Mom) – “You let Music Man stay with you when you delivered?”. Um, yeah. Apparently when our daughter was born (in a hospital) it was okay for him to stay with me, but having Music Man stay with me while I had our son at home, put childbirth in a whole other realm of yucky. I dunno. I can assure you, Music Man being present was the least yucky part of the whole day!

That’s enough of Statler & Waldorf for today. I have stories that would make you spray your beverage of choice across your monitor, but we’re just getting to know each other & you really need to be introduced gradually to these two.

Daytime TV

All right, so I’ve been addicted to Days of Our Lives since kindergarten – I blame my mom. Soaps & the stay at home mom have been an inseparable combination for decades. I can’t explain it, there’s something about the highly anticipated story lines & fart acting that keeps me tuning it – for decades. I won’t pretend I’m cool.

The best part about soaps?

Zero chance of seeing a placenta.

There’s how many baby/birth shows on now? About a bagillion. Birth Stories, Baby Story, Birthdays, etc. All endearing tales of couples embarking on babydom. You can turn on the TV at pretty much any part of the day & see the latest pot roast coming into the world.

Having recently gone through childbirth for the second time, I would have thought these shows would be lost on me now – they’re not. There’s some weird voyeuristic section of my brain that wants to see how other women choose to have their kids. Until now.

You know what I love?

Those blurry spot they put over the nasty bits – love those blurry areas! At least they used to have blurry areas. The higher brow birth shows still have them, but I tuned into a show this morning that had me looking at my jam in a different light. And I just had a kid!

Seriously, if people want to see the kind of birthing seen on Animal Planet, they should go to a birthing class. I had my son at home, a great birth experience, but in no way would I fool myself into thinking other people would want to live it with us! There’s no video to post on youtube. There’s no pictures to turn into an awkward coffee table book.

I’m going back to watching Days of Our Lives.

The Conception Show – now that’s a show I could get behind! Or should I say ‘from behind’?